🤪🙂😳 This article was co-authored by Julia Yacoob, PhD. Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.
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🤪🙂😳 Letting go of someone you love is never easy, but it is possible. While time is the best healer, there are things you can do to help speed up the process so you can let go of your ex and move on with your life. Keep reading to learn how to get over your ex once and for all and start moving forward.
Method 1Method 1 of 2:Getting Over Your Ex Download Article
- 1End all communication with this person--at least for now. Some couples are lucky enough to be able to stay friends after a breakup. But if you're still in love with your ex, then you are absolutely not ready for a friendship; at least not yet. Though not communicating with or seeing this person may seem impossible, it will be even more painful for you to try to fake a friendship when what you really want is to get back together.XExpert SourceJulia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 11 August 2021.XResearch source
- Fight the temptation to try to win this person back by continuing to talk and spend time together. If your ex doesn't love you anymore, then nothing you do or say will make him or her love you again. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep your ex out of sight and out of mind.
- If you go to the same school, live in the same town, or share the same core group of friends as your ex, it may be difficult to avoid running into him or her on occasion. If you do, be polite and say hello, but try to keep your conversations brief and light-hearted.
- 2Don't ignore your feelings. It's great that you've decided it's time to get over your ex, but the worst thing you can do for yourself, especially in the early stages of a breakup, is to ignore whatever feelings you're experiencing. It's perfectly normal, and acceptable, to feel angry, scared, confused, hurt, jealous, or insecure after losing the person you love. But instead of trying to suppress these emotions, acknowledge the fact that they're there and that feeling down is a natural part of life. Acknowledging your emotions can help you sort through them more clearly and more quickly than if you keep them bottled up.XResearch source
- If you feel like you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. Do whatever it takes to let your emotions out, even if you feel like you're being overly dramatic or emotional. Keeping your feelings locked up will only cause them to come back and haunt you in the future.
- 3Try not to obsess over his or her positive qualities. When we love people, we tend to idealize them and only focus on their positive qualities. When we reminisce about them, we only remember the good memories and the positive feelings they elicited. There's nothing wrong with remembering your ex fondly, but if you want to stop being in love with him or her, you'll need to dig deep into your memory and try to identify aspects of his or her personality, or of the relationship, that bothered you.
- Obviously you broke up for a reason, meaning that there was something missing in the relationship. Even if you can't think of one negative quality in this person, the simple fact that you are broken up should be enough. No matter how great this person may be, the fact that they don't want to be with you anymore means that you are not right for each other.
- 4Find an emotional outlet. Whether it is talking to a close friend or relative, writing in a journal, or expressing yourself through art, find a healthy outlet to express how you feel. Talking to a friend who has gone through a similarly difficult breakup may help put things in perspective and remind you that you are not alone.XResearch source
- Having the freedom to vent to your friends is great, but know your limits. Talking about a breakup only helps up to a certain point; after awhile, it will only fuel your obsession and cause you to overanalyze the situation (not to mention the fact that your friends will probably start to get annoyed).
- 5Stop looking for answers. Lots of people waste hours upon hours trying to figure out what went wrong in the relationship--they often blame themselves for pushing the other person away, leading to feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Sometimes, though, there is no answer for why you broke up other than the fact that you and your ex simply weren't right for each other.
- 6Don't have sex with your ex. A night of passionate sex with your ex will only make falling out of love with him or her more difficult. Resist the temptation (however strong it may be) to sleep together, keeping in mind that no matter how great it may be, you will feel infinitely worse about the breakup afterwards.XResearch source
Method 2Method 2 of 2:Moving Forward Download Article
- 1Make some small, positive changes in your life. Trying to get over somebody feels in some ways counterintuitive, because the more you try not to think about them, the harder it seems to get them off of your mind. Improving the circumstances in your life, on however small of a scale, can do wonders for healing your wounds after a breakup and for getting your mind off of the person that broke your heart.XResearch source
- Now that you are single, it's time to focus on yourself and think about the aspects of your life that you would like to improve. Are you happy with your career or your performance in school? Are you happy with your body? What about your living situation?
- The goal is to improve your lifestyle so that it is better now than it was when you were in a relationship. Though it may seem difficult, it is possible. You will have to do some soul searching to figure out where to focus your efforts, though.
- You don't have to make large, life-altering changes. Even small efforts like redecorating your room can help boost your mood in the long run.
- 2Try to appreciate the perks of being single. Everybody wants to find somebody to love and who loves them. Have faith that eventually, you'll find somebody who makes you happy, but until then, appreciate the freedom and excitement that comes with single life.XResearch source
- Spend time doing the things that you enjoy doing that perhaps your ex didn't enjoy doing. Make plans to go out with friends and remember to approach every situation with a positive attitude; be open to meeting new people, visiting new places, and creating new memories.
- 3Give yourself plenty of time. Despite your best efforts, it's going to take some time to get over being in love with your ex. Remember that there is nothing wrong with that, and that sometimes, the best medicine is to just let a little bit of time pass.XResearch source
- No matter how horrible you may feel right now, seek comfort in the fact that it will only continue to get easier from this point on. Eventually you'll start to feel normal again, and if you just make the effort, be happier than you ever could have imagined.
- QuestionHow do you get over an ex you still love?Julia Yacoob, PhDDr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.
Clinical PsychologistClinical PsychologistExpert AnswerThe fastest way to recover surely is removing all associations with the other person. You can also rebuild associations with friends or new dates, so you don't need to stop going to your favorite restaurant just because it reminds you of with the other person.
- QuestionWhat is the healthiest way to get over a breakup?Julia Yacoob, PhDDr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.
Clinical PsychologistClinical PsychologistExpert AnswerTry to take ownership of the ways in which you might have contributed to it and really take a closer look at that and maybe work on it. As best as you can, just try to see the other person with compassion as they too are dealing with a breakup, even though they might have been the one to prompt it. It's easy to blame yourself, but I don't believe that is really the best direction for how to move forward.
- QuestionWhat should I do if I cannot stop thinking about my ex?Community AnswerThere are some helpful tips in Stop Thinking About Your Ex.
- QuestionHow do I move on from my ex if we have children together?Community AnswerWork on bettering yourself, and setting up boundaries between you and your ex partner. Remember, you may be exes, but you are still parents of the same children. You will always stay in each others' lives, regardless.
- QuestionWhy do people break up?Community AnswerThere are a lot of reasons. Sometimes people realize they were just with their partner because they were afraid of being alone. Some end up meeting a person better suited to them then their current partner. In some instances, it's because they've realized their true sexuality isn't aligned with their relationship. A lot of the time, however, it's simply because people and their priorities change over time, and often in different directions.
- QuestionHow do I know if he doesn't love me?Community AnswerIf you guys broke up and he's not actively trying to get back together with you, assume that he's moved and do the same.
- QuestionHow do I avoid communication?Community AnswerBlock the person's phone number, and block on e-mail and all social media. Ignore the person as much as possible in real life; if you do have to discuss any final arrangements, keep things civil and as short as possible. If your ex tries to bring up any topics other than what's necessary, simply say "I really don't feel like discussing that; let's stay on topic so we can finish up." If your ex refuses, simply leave.
- QuestionHow do I get both my ex and me to move on from the relationship?Community AnswerIf you have to convince yourself and your ex lover to move on, I would re-evaluate why you broke up in the first place.
- QuestionWhy does a breakup hurt so much?Community AnswerIt hurts because you have spent time with the person, and you've invested emotions, effort time and money with the person. You have likely visualized a future together. It's just that you have a part of him/her that will always long for the person and you know in yourself you can't have them back.
- QuestionMy ex is with someone I strongly dislike, and I really want to be with him, but he doesn't like me. What should I do?Community AnswerIf he doesn't like you, then it is time to look for someone who does. You have good qualities that somebody will notice and like you for who you are. Yearning after an ex who doesn't want you is a recipe for unhappiness and prolonged pain. You deserve more.
- It may be tempting to check up on your ex every so often to see what he or she has been up to since the two of you split. If you are still in love with this person, though, keeping tabs on them will only make you suffer more. Focus on your own life and your own happiness.
- ↑Julia Yacoob, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
- Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to move on to somebody new. It's perfectly okay to be single for awhile, regardless of your age, your gender, or what your friends and family tell you.
About This Article
Getting over someone is never easy, but you can stop loving your ex by taking time to process your feelings and make small, positive steps to improve your life. When you first breakup, cut off all communication with your ex so you can focus on yourself and your feelings. Even if it seems overly dramatic, find a private place to cry and scream as much as you need. Avoid obsessing over your ex’s positive qualities, since that will only make it harder to move on. Try to remember the things they did that bothered you, which will make you feel better about being apart. Once you’ve worked through your emotions, push yourself to improve small parts of your life, like academics or fitness. By setting up goals, you’ll realize that you have more time to focus on what makes you happy rather than someone who hurt you. For more advice, including how to find an emotional outlet, read on.
Reader Success Stories
- "Really helpful hint. Am a little bit free of my depression, I think I can try the few tips given."